what it was really like

This post is for all my non-nursey friends out there who are all going, so what's the big deal with this NCLEX thing?

The NCLEX is our licensing board exam. You pass it: you're a nurse. You fail it: you get to take it again, but will most likely lose your job (since no one wants to hire a nurse who fails her boards). So much of our entire future is wrapped up in this exam.

It's a CAT (computerized adaptive test), which means it makes it up as it goes along [not the questions, those come from a testing bank, but the number of questions and the level of knowledge the question requires]. For the RN exam, you can get anywhere from 75 to 265 questions. Basically, if you are doing okay, but not great, it'll keep giving you questions until the CAT decides you've either done well enough to pass or are screwing up so badly that you fail. And when it cuts off, you don't know which it is. Everyone thinks it's because they are screw ups...but that's just the nature of the test.

So Thursday night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night, feeling woefully unprepared and wishing I could change my exam date but knew it was too late for that. Friday I barely forced down a bagel before leaving, knowing I had to have something in my stomach.

When I arrived, I saw Luis in the parking lot. Then Tracy pulled up, then Emily. The four of us walked in together. I felt infinitely better walking in to the testing center with them. I didn't feel so alone. Of course, we were also feeding off of each other's nerves.

We each took a number as we went in. I was number 3. When she called my number, I had to go up there with my ATT (authorization to test) and my driver's license. She had me give my finger print and I had to sign my name on this little electronic thing that you can't look at your signature while you do it. She made me sign my name 4 times. Apparently it had to match the signature on my DL. Then I took a picture where I'm sure I looked terrible in. I was so nervous and didn't bother making myself pretty that morning. I was going to take a freaking test, who needs make-up and a comb? I locked up all my belongings in a little locker (including my watch and hair clip since these were not allowed in the testing center). Then I headed back to the exam.

The lady at the door went over the rules. She explained that if I needed more pens or another dry-erase board, all I had to do was raise them up. Apparently every inch of the computer room was video and audio monitored. She then had me turn all my pockets inside out and checked me for any concealed items or any way of cheating. What's next, a strip search? Where am I? Prison?? After all of this, I had to show my ID again and use my finger print to get in the room.

Then I sat down and began the test. After going through an annoying tutorial on how to answer the questions (as if I had never taken a computer exam before), I got my first question. It was a medication calculation question. Oh shit. So this is how it's going to be today. For me to get a med calculation question felt like a cruel twist of irony [remember the D&S debacle?].

Each time I hit "submit" I was sure I was killing my score. I just knew that I must be getting most of these wrong. Every question I was torn. Is this right? Maybe it's that other one? Maybe they wanted me to be thinking about bleeding not ICP issues. Maybe I'm way off. What the hell? Why am I guessing on the NCLEX?!? I know nothing!

I kept looking at the time counting down and looking at the question number. When will I be done? I felt like I would never reach 75, and I was sure that it was not going to cut off at 75. I knew that when that happened, I would cry. I just wanted to be done. I wanted to quit at question 30, how was I supposed to survive past 75?

Finally, I was getting close to 75, and feeling worse and worse and worse. Then I got to question 75. I'm not even sure I really tired on that one. I just wanted to hit submit. And when I did, the computer stopped. Is it frozen?!? Am I done?? Then the it said, "you have finished the NCLEX".

As I walked out, I had to do the finger print thing again. My hand was shaking so much it took a little while to get a good reading. I felt like crying, or screaming. Tracy finished at the same time as me and we rode the elevator down together. I was shaking. I wanted to cry.

I got a phone call from Emily on the way home. She was crying. Positive she failed. I didn't know what to think. I felt like a miserable failure, but then again, it cut off at 75, that's a good sign right??

I went home and crashed. Slept all afternoon, not wanting to think about the exam at all.

This morning I was woken up at 8 am by a phone call from Emily. The results are up. She passed!! So I got up, logged in to Pearson Vue, paid my $7.95, and my heart stopped beating.

Then in tiny little letters it said: "grade: PASS".

HALLELUJAH! I did it! I passed!!! Holy crow! I'm a nurse now! I can keep my job!!!